The People's Game - Clitoris Hockey

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Fuck the iPod, I'll take the iPoon.

It has recently come to my attention that there are men out there who are intimidated by vibrators. To quote a friend of mine, "Oh, what the fuck is this fucking bullshit?"

I honestly cannot understand this attitude. I have been, at various stages of my life, a carpenter, a cook, a factory foreman, and many other occupations too numerous to mention (it's not that I can't hold a job, it's just that I'm quite old). For every single job I've had, I've had to learn various tools and techniques vital to getting the job done and, since I like to be the best at whatever I do, I sought to master those tools.

I mean, would you rip lumber with a fucking handsaw if you had a table saw handy? Would you whip cream by hand if you had a mixer? The fuck, you would! Maybe it's 'dat old "John Henry was a steel drivin' man" mentality. Well, ol' John Henry laid himself down and died when he could have operated that steam hammer, and then gone home and put the wood to his large-breasted wife.

When I first found out the things you could do, the various ways you could drive a woman wild, I experimented. And thanks to thousands of years of research, toys, beads, diagrams, candles, hanging basket chairs, incense, oils, massage, exercises, gorilla costumes and fucking technology, I am proud to say that I am indeed, the "pussy fuckin' mastuh"!*

Only a fool is threatened by technology when, by taking initiative, he can bend it to his uses. Take the following example:

The OhMiBod


That's right, you got it, an iPod with an attached vibrator. Now, some guys might be made to feel inadequate if their sheila pops this bad boy into her iPoon, but not me, and for one very simple reason; you can get a remote control for it. Trust me, the next time my baby-doll and I road trip it, I'm gonna crank "The Ride of the Valkyries" up to ovary-overload. It'll be off to multiple-orgasmland for her and the gangsta's in the next car over will find out the true meaning of bass response.

When you learn to swim, the first thing they teach is to always have your buddy with you. I'm a real man and the vibrator is my buddy. Life is good!

* I would also like to thank those valiant women who allowed me to use their bodies for my continuing education.

Just how big...

I'm in the process of composing a new blog but I find I must turn to my friends for much needed data. This data collection blog is only available to my friends and, since it is in the name of science, please...be honest

So here's the hypothetical situation: It is 2009 and medical science has made it possible for a woman to have whatever size breasts she chooses simply by taking an inexpensive pill. Her muscles can be enhanced to support her new boobies with zero pain and the US Government has pledged to purchase new wardrobes for those women who choose enhancement. President Schwarzenegger has just signed into law a bill making public rudeness to women with large breasts punishable by summary execution.



If you choose "larger", please feel free to comment how much larger. Remember, it's all data.

Pussy 101

Now, I know I natter on and on about tits so I thought it might be a good idea to concentrate on that other of The Supreme Beings greatest inventions: the Snatch. I know a lot of men prefer to keep their tried & true techniques to themselves, but I believe that getting this information out to the world is of the utmost importance because there is nothing better than a babe that has been licked into that near comatose, rag doll state that ensures you getting some fucking pancakes and eggs in the morning.

The secret? There ain't no fucking secret! You just gotta get down there and get face deep in it! Kiss those lips like you're never gonna see pussy again, but do not, I repeat, DO NOT use your fucking teeth! Lap her up and down, and drink deeply of her as though she were the fountain of life which, in a very real sense, she is.

Now, make your way upwards to the little man in the boat (if you don't know what I'm talking about, save everyone a lot of trouble and just go be Gay, we're working here). See him? Good. I want you to make little circles around him with your tongue. That's right, just keep that up for a while.

Since you got two free hands it's time to put 'em to work. Using your dominant hand I want you to insert your index finger into your sweetie, find the G-spot and make with the "c'mere gesture". Using your other hand grab the nearest tit and hang on for dear life cuz' she's gonna start bucking.

Now, it's time to turn up the heat. Switch from making circles with your tongue to spelling the alphabet. Don't question me, just fucking do it. You should have her going pretty good now but if you want to drive her into a sexual fugue state (be careful, though, this kind of shit can get you chained in the basement with no hope of ever meeting her bi friends) allow her to cum when you want. Take her up, bring her back, up, back, like a pot being kept on the edge of boiling. Be careful, though, too much of that shit and your chiropractor may have to put you in a neck brace (chicks can go She-Hulk on you if you stress 'em too long).

That pretty much takes care of it. If you have questions drop me a line.

There is one more secret but I'll wait a bit on that one. Ciao, babes.

Tits and eyeglasses

I wear glasses. I wear them because I have poor eyesight. Medical science has made it possible for me to see clearly so I take advantage of the opportunity afforded me.

What has that got to do with boobs, you may ask? Nearsightedness is a malfunction of the eyes, whereas a B-cup breast is every bit as functional as a double-D cupper, isn't it? That is absolutely true, but let's face facts. For the majority of women in America, their appearance has little to do with function. According to Worldwatch Institute, over 8 billion dollars was spent in the US in 2006 on women's cosmetics alone. $8 billion just for makeup. Add to that the amount spent on fragrances, hair care products, earrings and assorted bangles and you're talking beaucoup bucks spent on something considered non-functional. In addition to appearance, women also enjoy feeling sexy. Women spent over $11 billion on lingerie last year? Now, that's a lot of teddies.

There is also something else to be considered here. Like it or not, a woman's appearance has a direct bearing on her quality of life. All things being equal, the better looking babe will get more attention in school, the better job, the better car, house, and ultimately, the better mate.

Whatever the reason, women do take pride in their appearance. Their self-esteem is often directly related to their appearance and their sexual desirability, and large breasts have become inextricably intertwined with that. Also, a large-breasted woman is generally perceived as being healthier, more fun and, despite the popular stereotype, more intelligent than her smaller-breasted rivals. Bigger boobs are usually a sign of more successful genes at work.

Is it fair? Is it right? No, but it is reality. In the Old West, the handgun became known as the "Old Equalizer". In America today, the new equalizer is the large rack, and it is doubtful whether a more effective weapon exists.

And much like firearms, big boobs are freely available. Any woman who wants to outclass the competition need only plunk down the cash and she can have the cans of her dreams.

A recent study published in the American Aesthetic Surgery journal showed that more than 80% of women with breast implants said that the surgery boosted their confidence and self esteem in a big way. Nearly all women (92%) who received implants thought the surgery improved their overall appearance.

Think I'm bullshitting you? According to Paul J. Rosch, M.D., President of The American Institute of Stress and Clinical Professor of Medicine and Psychiatry at Duke University, "Cheerful and optimistic people are more likely to live longer than others", he stated in a Duke University study on happiness. "It was also found that women who had received breast implants had a more positive outlook and were 44 percent more likely to live an average of 7.2 years longer than their counterparts who eschewed breast augmentation.

In short, big tits = better, happier and longer lives.

Now, I know what you're saying, "Sure, that's great, TitMan, but boob jobs ain't free. I just can't afford it."

I hear you. The going rate for breast augmentation nowadays is $5,000-$9,000 which, I grant you, is a fair amount of bread. But look at it this way, with a pair of DD's under your sweater, you'll never have to buy another drink at Trader Vic's.

But seriously, is $7,000 too much to pay for greater self-esteem and more confidence? Is it too much to pay for a happier life?

Is $7,000 too much to pay to live an additional 7.2 years?

Think about it.