Fuck the iPod, I'll take the iPoon.

It has recently come to my attention that there are men out there who are intimidated by vibrators. To quote a friend of mine, "Oh, what the fuck is this fucking bullshit?"

I honestly cannot understand this attitude. I have been, at various stages of my life, a carpenter, a cook, a factory foreman, and many other occupations too numerous to mention (it's not that I can't hold a job, it's just that I'm quite old). For every single job I've had, I've had to learn various tools and techniques vital to getting the job done and, since I like to be the best at whatever I do, I sought to master those tools.

I mean, would you rip lumber with a fucking handsaw if you had a table saw handy? Would you whip cream by hand if you had a mixer? The fuck, you would! Maybe it's 'dat old "John Henry was a steel drivin' man" mentality. Well, ol' John Henry laid himself down and died when he could have operated that steam hammer, and then gone home and put the wood to his large-breasted wife.

When I first found out the things you could do, the various ways you could drive a woman wild, I experimented. And thanks to thousands of years of research, toys, beads, diagrams, candles, hanging basket chairs, incense, oils, massage, exercises, gorilla costumes and fucking technology, I am proud to say that I am indeed, the "pussy fuckin' mastuh"!*

Only a fool is threatened by technology when, by taking initiative, he can bend it to his uses. Take the following example:

The OhMiBod


That's right, you got it, an iPod with an attached vibrator. Now, some guys might be made to feel inadequate if their sheila pops this bad boy into her iPoon, but not me, and for one very simple reason; you can get a remote control for it. Trust me, the next time my baby-doll and I road trip it, I'm gonna crank "The Ride of the Valkyries" up to ovary-overload. It'll be off to multiple-orgasmland for her and the gangsta's in the next car over will find out the true meaning of bass response.

When you learn to swim, the first thing they teach is to always have your buddy with you. I'm a real man and the vibrator is my buddy. Life is good!

* I would also like to thank those valiant women who allowed me to use their bodies for my continuing education.